It takes a village to raise a child....so where's MY village????
So....normally I keep things super light and fun and try to be inspiring but this week a depression has hit me and hit me hard. I don't know why but I suspect it is from trying to be as happy as I can and pretend that THINGS don't bother me. THINGS being that we live in a small space (yes I know I am a broken record) and it is hard to do but more importantly than how hard it can be is the feeling that we will be here forever. I know we are lucky and I do appreciate what we have, really....but to have a work space someday where I could leave my projects partially done...wow!! I mean I love the location and we are very very lucky I just wish with all my heart we had more space and that someday we will own our own home. Without help from family and without a more clear life path to financial success we have just always worked hard and tried to do the best we could. It all ties into success in life too and how maybe some of my choices were not the best and now I am where I am. So as many people do at times....I feel rather like a failure. I know, I know, I have my two gorgeous kids, I have an amazing husband but personally I just don't feel like I matter much. This depression is the kind that leaves you with the feeling 'Why Bother' and that scares me. I mean I KNOW that I matter but what can I say...somewhere inside my brain I'm not buying it. Okay...enough enough...the reason I am sharing this is because in the midst of my big depression...as I was feeling very lonely and sort of hopeless...my Friend Darcey calls and asks if we would like to go to the zoo. (She does not live in Seattle, so I see her but not as much as I would like.) Which is very funny to me because I was planning on surprising the kids and taking them to the Zoo that afternoon....so we met up with Darcey and her 3 kids and had a wonderful day...and I did NOT spend the day complaining or being a bummer. I had fun. The other really cool thing that happened yesterday is that Alison of Malisonian on flickr was also at the Zoo and she came up to me and told me she read my blog. I recognized her face but because I worked in retail forever I could not place how I knew her. She told me and we chatted about kids and having creative energy and lacking creative energy and I got to also meet Esmond, her son, who is super adorable. She was super nice and I told her to flickr mail me for a play date sometime this summer. So Alison if you are reading this...Hello and I can't wait to hang out at the Zoo again :)! I know both of those things are not super duper duper huge in the scheme of life but they were enough to pull me out of my depression a little and realize I am NOT alone. Life with kids is amazing, I do love it but I get lonely and we don't really have help so sometimes I become exhausted and overwhelmed. It was nice to chat with two wonderful ladies and to watch the kids go crazy at the Zoo. Soren was SOSOSOSO excited...he literally screamed at the Gorillas and loved the Penguins and each exhibit was just so exciting for him. He really loves life. Memphis had a great time with her pals Hazel, Leo and Ruby and it was just what we needed. So I guess today I am thanking the universe for sending me fun and love and hoping with all my heart that I can manage to love myself just a bit more and stop being bummed out by things that are out of my control and honestly don't really matter. It is hard to raise children without a village but if you want a village you have to build one...you can't wait for it to come looking for you and that is what I will try to do in the months to come. I hope all of you stay at home Mas out there have a village and if you don't feel free to come and join mine...you are all welcome :)
posted by lookwhaticando @ 11:09 AM
9 Comments:
Oh Dawn. This breaks my heart. Although I hardly know you other than via your blog and Flickr photos, I really connect with what you are writing. While we are not in a place being financially bound--but the trade off has been that I work full time and often feel like I am trapped by my job--just because it is a really good job that any person would be crazy not to want, but it is demanding on so many levels and at the end of the day, I just want more time with my son and husband and more time in home and more time to create. And neither my husband nor I have family near us--or family that is of sound mine (really, my family is rife with incapacitating mental illness)--so we oftne feel alone and like even what we consider our dearest friends cannot truly be relied up. I just think people do not have the same sense of duty or obligation or selflessness or compassion or WHATEVER that has existed in earlier generations. There is a lot of focus on self and on the acquisition of "things". So, that is my soap box I am going to climb on down from, but what I do want you to know is that you are not alone. I seriously wish we were neighbors because I would love to be part of your neighborhood, your village. You are an amazing mother, artist, woman. And you are not alone.
Hello, sweet Dawn! I,too, second the notion that you are NOT alone! All mamas get isolated and lonely, all feel like we made the wrong choices (who didn't?), all feel drained and creatively barren (yup, that's me!). I wish, oh, how I wish, that I could put my arms around you, and convince you that you are doing wonderfully--your children seem to be incredible, you are an amazing and original artist, you are vibrant and filled with love. Hang in there, as I do, as we all do, and remember you are loved.
Can you carve out even a closet where you could leave your projects? You must make your creativity a priority--it will keep you going...
Best, and with love to you!
Amy
hi dawn, i don't know if i've commented on your blog before, but i've been reading for some time. i really appreciate your honesty. mothering is full of some very high highs and some very low lows. i can so much relate to feeling isolated from time to time, and i know what an incredible difference that sense of community can make. it is just really, really hard to come by sometimes!
you are an amazing artist and my impression is that you are an equally excellent mama. i find your energy inspiring and would love to share a village with you.
dawn, my friend. i think all of us mamas can totally relate to your feelings here. i have been very quiet online lately for a myriad of reasons, some good, some bad. life is flippin' hard at times, and i think that the modern mom is constantly taking too much on- i am the queen of over inflated expectations, too many tasks on the list, being totally unrealistically hopeful. and all that is great but sometimes it's just a bit set up for feeling like a big looser. nothing like having your bubble popped. being a parent is sure hard, but being the best mom you can be is the hardest job of all. i can tell how important your kids are to you, it's easy to see how much you love them. i know that at times, being a busy momma can have this sort of lost feeling... like, where am i, who am i, what am i about. i always say (on my worst days) that all i feel like i did all day was wipe butts and counters. i still have days where i schlep around the house in yoga pants and a tank top and realize that my hubby will be home in a half hour and oh my, i'd better go and look presentable.
i am on your team. in your village. on your side. right there along with you.
i hope and pray that someday (and someday soon) you get some extra space where you can leave your jacks out on the table and not have to worry about packing everything up after each session.
and on that note, please give yourself a gigantic pat on the back for being able to create such amazing things with 2 kiddos running around the house. i haven't turned on my sewing machine in like, a year. so BIG props to you.
you are a super hero, super mom, super lady, super friend.
XO
I know exactly how you feel Dawn.
I felt very isolated after my twins we’re born.
Most of our friends were older artists, most are child-free, or have children my age…
Everyone was REALLY excited at first…lots of phone calls and visits…
But at some point they were over it and invitations became rare…maybe they figured we were busy with the babies? Maybe they thought we had changed?
I wasn’t producing any art.
It was wintertime, and very cold so we stayed in most nights…
Even with my amazing husband and beautiful babies that we waited FOREVER for…I still felt sad.
My art was the only identity I had ever known, so without it, I felt naked.
It wasn’t until I started going to this local postpartum ‘mama support group’ did i realize that I even needed a village.
My husband convinced me to just try it out…at least it was something to get us out of the house.
I was skeptical, pretty much thought I was way to cool for ‘support groups’
The first few times we’re rocky, I didn’t feel like I was clicking….
Then bam….i let myself open up and share some of the sadness I was feeling, then listened to these other women share their feelings…it was amazing how much we had in common.
I would have NEVER crossed paths with any of these girls…
I am an artist, I don’t really meet very many engineers or geologists…realtors or valve shop managers in my everyday life…
Much less become bestest friends with them.
I used to look at shows like sex in the city and think…
Okay, those women would NEVER be friends in real life now I know I was wrong.
The shop where we met had to close down, but we have managed to stay connected by meeting for lunch, hanging out at each others houses, or the park…
I don’t know what I would do without these girls.
I think everyone needs a village…
Being a MAMA is one of the hardest jobs I can think of…
Just hang in there!
Thanks for having the courage to put this out there!
I hope you will keep adding to your village…
It’s too bad we don’t live closer tOgether because I would LOVE to have you in mine!
this is probably a whole other comment but i think being a parent has so many stresses when it comes to comparison...
everyone does it, I think it’s only natural…
I mean, we just want the best for our kids, we want to give them every opportunity we can…
I have noticed as my two get older…their friends are starting to enroll in classes, fancy music lessons, super fun nursery schools that we could never afford…
Some of them have houses with all the space in the world…I mean cool spaces that would make out of this world play-rooms…fantastic art studios
Some of them have more books, more wooden toys…outdoor play systems…tree houses…
We do our best, and I feel our kids have a very colorful life…filled with lots of love.
But even still, you do sometimes think about things like bigger spaces, or more money…
especially if you are just scraping by..doing without things so they can have more.
OMG, and it can be Especially hard with all of the cool cool things to buy on etsy now days!!!
I have to give all of you ladies a big THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! I am on my way to building a village that's for sure....xoxoxo :)
Dawn, long-time reader, seldom commentor here. Just wanted to say I always get a jolt of good energy from your posts, and I wish I could send some of that back your way right now. I have no words of wisdom here (if I did, I'd be able to work myself out of the funks that too often work their way into my life). I just wanted to remind you of what an amazing gal you are, and hope that some rays of light break through soon for you.
Oh boy, I feel you pain. I could have written alot of the same words. My daughter now is 19 months and so super all over the place and well my son is..you know, 3.5 years. There are some days when I feel like such a rotten mom and get into a funk, sad that I don't really have the time to express my creativity through sewing, exhausted and not very happy. In the last few months, I have forced myself to leave them with my husband and just get and out without the kids and it's made such a difference to my sanity. I really haven't had a life outside of kids for 3 years. I have also had to downsize my craft area and would really love my own space!
A few months ago, a good customer of mine told me to enjoy my time with the kids because I will never get that time back. And it put some perspective back in my daily life. I stopped taking custom orders and my shop updates have become far and few but I feel like some pressure has been lifted. Now I can truly creat when I want and it's such soothing and relaxing therapy for me.
Anyway, I wish I could give you a big hug..you are amazing and know that it will get better and easier.
xo
I feel really fortunate to have met your gorgeous family. It makes me sad to see what you're saying because in my mind it simply isn't true (a failure?! Pssh!!!!) but I also utterly relate to where you're coming from. I've had little to no familial support--I don't even know what that could look like--and I sometimes wonder to some extent if that's why I've not felt the urge to start a family of my own. It's just all so hard, especially those things we can't see changing. Hugs, hugs, hugs.
& if you ever want a Woodland Park companion, let me know. I haven't been in years and would love the chance to hang out in a less slapdash way!
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